Friday, July 1, 2011

Slap-A-Moron Day Instructions

Here is a handy-dandy guide to tell if someone deserves to be slapped.

Instructions: To score for your slapee, simply circle the moronic infringements and add up their total Moronic Value (MV). It is recommended that you add up your total MV before the holiday on July 1st. That way you will have an adequate defense (or not) against someone who slaps you.

+8 if you are the President
+7 if you are Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton
+6 if you are Charlie Sheen or Amy Winehouse
+5 if you are some other, equally moronic celebrity

+2 if you have ever bragged about “sticking it to the man”
+1 if you have ever sold your food stamps for cash
+3 if you have a big screen tv, but your child sleeps on the floor
+2 if you own a car that is more expensive than your government housing
+5 if you have ever said the words “they owe me!” in reference to “the man”
+4 if every time you are pregnant, DFaCS calls you to draw up the paperwork

+1 if you have ever uttered the words “that’s not my job”
-1 if you have ever done something to help a coworker that really wasn’t your job
+1 if you play office pranks on the boss, and he/she doesn’t laugh
+2 if you have ever been fired from a job for stealing
+1 if you constantly complain about your job, but aren’t looking for another one
+2 if you have ever thought partying during the week and then going to work hung-over was a good idea
+4 if you believe you are an expert in your field, but you are paid less than $40,000 a year

+1 if you have ever used a mixer and turned it up too fast so that stuff goes flying everywhere
+2 if you have ever used a blender without the top on
+3 if you don’t wash your sheets at least once a month
+2 if you don’t vacuum at least once a month
-1 if you have actually ever cleaned your windows
+1 if you have ever placed tinfoil in a microwave
+2 if you have ever placed tinfoil in a microwave more than once
-1 if you know how to use a washer, dryer, and dishwasher
+1 if you have ever left the next bathroom user without toilet paper
+1 if you have ever left anything less than one cup worth of milk/juice in the container in the fridge

+1 if you have ever driven while talking on a cell phone or texting
+2 if you have ever gotten into an accident while on a cell phone
+1 if your car gets less than 10 miles to the gallon
+1 if you have ever been in the fast lane and uttered “I am going fast enough!” regarding the people tailgating you
+1 if you have ever drank and drove
+3 if you knew you were too drunk and drove anyway
-1 if you have offered to drive a friend home when they were drunk
-2 if you have ever fought the keys away from a drunk person so they wouldn’t drive

Kids (Those of you without your own progeny can skip this section)
+1 if you have one (+1 point for each child)
-1 if you discipline your child when they do wrong (-1 point for each child)
+1 if you have ever given in to something your child wanted because they threw a fit
-1 if you have ever given in to something your child wanted because they were good and asked nicely
+3 if you have ever simply allowed your child to scream in a restaurant/church/other public place
-2 if you understand the weight of the threat of “Do you want to go to the bathroom/outside/to the car?”
+1 if you have had to say “Don’t make me turn this car around/stop this car/come back there!”
-1 if you have, in fact, turned the car around/stopped the car/came back there
+3 if you have ever not strapped a child into a car properly
+1 if you think it’s a good idea to allow your 12-year-old to go clubbing
+1 if you think it’s okay to buy your teenager beer because you will be able to “supervise” them
+1 if you have ever allowed being a cool parent outweigh being a good parent

+2 if you have ever actually talked in leet speak (Ex. OMG, WTF, BFF, I has a…)
+2 if you simply don’t know the difference between their, they’re, and there
+1 if you don’t understand the difference between good and well
-1 if you always use good and well correctly
+1 if you have ever claimed to know something when you didn’t
-1 if you can use the words “I have no idea” without always feeling stupid about it
+1 if you use the word “like” in every other sentence
+1 if you say “I heart you” more than “I love you”
+2 if you are white, but consistently use white terms, like “fo shizzle”
+1 if you have ever used the phrase “fixin’ to” instead of “about to”

+1 if you have a pet (+1 for each pet)
-1 if you at least make a good attempt at training them (-1 for each pet)
+1 if you dress them up
+2 if you dress them with colors or outfits that denote a different gender than what your pet is (such as a male with a pink collar or in a “cute wittle dress”)
+2 if you have their nails painted
-2 if you take them to the vet at least once a year
-1 if they are neutered
+1 if you don’t pick up after your dog
+2 if you have a medium to large dog and still don’t pick up after them
+3 if you encourage your dog to poop in other people’s yards

+2 if you have ever had a tattoo that once had a name on it, but then it had to be covered up later
+2 if you have ever had your thong showing above the top of your pants somewhere other than at home
+1 if you don’t regularly wear your seatbelt
-1 if you are known as the “seatbelt nazi”
+1 if your hair has ever been anything but a natural color (the only exception is if it was for costume use, such as a play or Halloween)
+1 if you don’t at least pretend to put on sunscreen at the beach
+2 if you complain about being overweight while eating something
-2 if you complain about being overweight while exercising
+2 if you have ever worn something revealing in public that you knew you shouldn’t have

Anything less than 20 is in the slap free range. Anything in the 20-40 range is punishable by one slap. Any score above 40 is subject to two slaps.

Note to Self: I do not believe all pet owners or parents are morons simply for having them. I am simply stating that parents or owners who leave their children or pets to their own devices are, in fact, morons. This is why there are the deductions for proper training under each.

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