Friday, October 3, 2008

Looks right, looks left…is MJ gone?

Oh thank goodness!
I’ve been DYING to take this thing off! Reaches up one sleeve and pulls out a bra.

Oh don’t look at me like that. You know they have to breathe.

MJ was naive enough to hand me her keys to the kingdom this weekend. Silly girl, does she not know I’m prone to raise hell in here? Obviously the silver streaks in my hair have lulled her into a false sense of security. (While not technically old enough to be MJ’s mother, I confess I'm on the cusp of 40. This makes me…borrow from the 4, carry the 10 and…oh crap.)

Throws bra over the back of the chair and slaps a Motherly sticky note on MJ’s monitor: “STOP drinking beer, young lady. Do you hear me? Stop it RIGHT NOW!”

Since we all know she’ll never invite ME to blog for her again, we might just as well have some fun before she returns and starts yelling, yes? Sits in MJ’s puter chair, puts feet on the desk and reaches for the bottom drawer Cheeto stash. What’s this? No Cheetos? How can one blog without Cheetos? At least she has beef jerky. (sigh) Not a favorite, but it’ll have to do.

Now where were we? Oh yes, entirely without a subject. This blog post is like a failed episode of Seinfeld without all the snappy characters. Sorry, but the hot blonde has left the building. You’ve just get me today: George Costanza with stretch marks and orthopedic shoes.

And you’re damn lucky for it, too, because I’m going to let you in on a little something. In case you’re ever asked to Guest-blog here on Note to Self, (as I will never be again), you should have a few clues on how to conduct yourself in here. And so, blog reader, I bring you:

The Top 5 Ways Never to Blog for MJ Again

5. Mistake Panther’s Pupperoni snacks for beef jerky. AAACK! No wonder dogs Gak without warning.

4. Spill red pop on her keyboard. (That's 'coke' to all y'all in Georgia.) That mess was not my fault, you know. She should’ve labeled those damn dog treats. I had to do something about that icky taste in my mouth, and how often do you use the spacebar, anyway?

3. Reorganize her filing system. Alphabetize papers into new folders by the last letter on each page. This is especially fun with tax returns, work files and that pesky pile of bills.

2. Change the settings on her puter so the song “Short People” plays every time she gets email. If you ever want to see a little person froth at the mouth…I will NOT post the YouTube video. I will NOT…

And the number one way to ensure you will never IN THIS LIFETIME blog for MJ again?

1. Loan her Jimmy Choos to a cross-dressing friend with smallish feet. In my defense, MJ has teeny little feet for a woman. Freakishly small, really, so for any man to borrow her can see where he might conceivably have to cram in just a little.

They were that wide when you left MJ, I swear. And you can probably glue that strap back on, too.

I’m Kelly Trainor, of shameless blog plug for Ugly Ass Opinion and Today’s Musings goes here. Thank you, MJ, for letting me have some fun. Paying it forward next! ;0)


colbymarshall said...

*giggle* Pupperoni as beef jerky...I have to admit, I have been tempted to taste some of those Beneful dog foods...they do look quite yummy.

SarahM said...

BAhahahahahah!!! nice!

~alison said...

great job! I am going to check out your blog!!

VE said...

Ooooh, I so like the reorganization. You should replace that damaged keyboard with one that has different letters painted on to the wrong keys and then add the Monty Python software that makes the keys either have independent farting noises or sound like an old fashioned typewriter. Always good fun!

Frenchie said...

Well huh, I didn't think I could reply. Or maybe I can't. Will find out once I hit the publish comment button.Nope couldn't, had to get a google account. Done!, as always you crack me up and I LMAO @ ve, she your evil twin? :P

I actually think you were pretty mild w/ the destruction. The Shark (or Kelly) I've come to know could most certainly be more destructive...hehehehe! Great guest bloggin! :D

Maki said...

Oh so clever!!!! How can I ever be in the same shoes as you, MJ or colby???? I'm in panic mode full speed!!

K Trainor said...

Colby, my husband actually did that by mistake once. He said you'd never know the difference. Maybe not, but I'm still not chowing on them in the movie theater.

Sarah and Alison, thanks! :D

VE, what a fabulous idea. Think I'd go with flatulent keys. It would amuse Panther, I'm sure.

Frenchie, I tried to stay on my very best behavior. For once.

Maki, thank you. It was fun. I'll be back to read yours! :D

And now I take my leave and hand over the Queen for a Day keys to Maki. And while she's busy over here, I'm sneaking over to her place to leave some Cheetos for encouragement. Pupperoni sticks--bleah. :D

DES said...

Excellent! !applauds loudly!

You had me a 'gak'!!! LOL!

salah said...

nice really looks very will be so nice to exchange links with u ..waiting ur reply..

desireemariecampos said...

Ok this has to be one of the funniest posts EVER.. Going to check your blog out!!

K Trainor said...

Salah and Desiree, thanks so much! :)

And Des...? Good to know. I'm quite sure I've never had anyone at 'Gak' before. HeeHee!

salah said...

u re wellcome :)...i asked u about exchanging links..waiting ur reply..

K Trainor said...

I'm sorry, Salah, I'm just a guest blogger here. You'll have to wait for a reply from MJ. This is her site.

If you were referring to my blogs, by all means you can leave a comment there. The links are in the post. Thanks! :D