Monday, December 14, 2009

How to Pull a Double

Season's greetings, dear blog friends! I hope your tree is trimmed and your stocking hung with care, because the fat man will be here really soon!

As you know, I work in retail. This means that the holiday season is when I generally want to tear my hair out and have a shit-fit, but I have to instead harness my anger into more productive things like folding jeans and climbing shelves in the stock room for that one item that little Suzie has to have on Christmas day.

Inevitably, managers in retail will one day have to work a double shift, or a "double". It is usually caused by seasonally hired workers being irresponsible and calling in thirty minutes before there shift starts with some lame excuse as to their inability to come to work. This is then followed by loud cursing and screaming and many phone calls to fill the void in the shift by the manager on duty. Once it has become obvious that trying to call someone in has become futile, it happens.

I volunteer myself to pull a double. *DOH*

So, I thought I would break down exactly how a day of double shift works, at least for me.

8AM: Prepare the store, hopefully with no surprises.
950AM: Signal to the early riser that is banging on the door that I do, in fact, have ten more minutes before I have to open the store.
955AM: Give in and let her in anyway.
10AM: Organize the store.
1030AM: Suck up to customers.
11:45AM: Avoid grumpy coworkers.
1235PM: Process 23 returns in one hour, destroying sales projections.
1240PM: Answer inevitable no-show phone call.
1241PM: Try calling someone else to come in.
1242PM: Try again.
1243PM: Try again.
1244PM: Try again.
1245PM: Try again, begging this time.
1246PM: Try bribery.
1247PM: Concede defeat.
1248PM: Become temporarily insane.
1249PM: Volunteer to work a double shift.
1250PM: Immediately regret it.
1PM: Take lunch break.
2PM: Come back to work refreshed.
215PM: Hate my life.
430PM: Find second wind.
455PM: Have hopeful outlook as original off time passes.
530PM: Hate my life a second time.
6PM: Pull 47 of the same clothing item, in the same size, from the fitting room.
7PM: Begin straightening the store for close.
9PM: Try to close the store and fail, because customers are still in the store.
915PM: Politely ask customers if they need assistance.
920PM: Ask again.
930PM: Ask again, rudely.
935PM: Check out final customers and lock door.
936PM: Sigh.
937PM: Finish straightening store while swapping Tiger Woods jokes.
10PM: Count deposit and safe.
1015PM: Set alarm, lock door, check coworker bags for merchandise.
1020PM: Sit in car in parking lot until feet stop throbbing.
1030PM: Get home and soak feet.
1035PM: Crash in bed.

I hope you never have to pull a double, but should you ever find yourself even thinking about volunteering for one, remember to think about it longer than thirty seconds. Think of the long term consequences, including sanity.

Note to Self: What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Clause? Santa stops at three ho's!


LOUD n PROUD said...

Sorry about the double but you did make me laugh!

Anonymous said...

That is the best Tiger Woods joke yet! :-)

VE said...

I did have to laugh at the Tiger Woods joke. I have had a double...but then the wifey-poo took my keys...

Anonymous said...