Monday, March 16, 2009

If I Were Supreme Overlord of the Universe...

So I've been thinking more and more about this whole "Ultimate Power" thing lately, and I thought I would give you a glimpse into what it would be like to have me as your ruler.
10. Everyone would have to wear fashionable shoes. For the men, Cole Haan dress shoes. And for the ladies, Michael Kors pumps. You must also wear your standard “I Heart MJ” t-shirt at all times.

9. Talking on your cell phone will be a new part of the driver’s test. If you cannot pass the test while talking (this includes keeping a consistent, normal speed), you will not be allowed to use a cell phone while driving, ever.

8. Facebook will be returned to its original splendor, and anyone who tries to change it again will meet a cruel and painful end.

7. At Christmas, I will receive mandatory gifts of Coach bags and homemade cookies from all of my subjects. Fruitcake will get you a one way ticket to space, where you will (1) freeze to death, (2) suffocate, and/or (3) implode.

6. Public hangings will be the most prevalent form of punishment. If you commit a minor offense, you will be hung by your toes. Minor offenses include: liking Hillary Clinton, watching The Hills, and wearing sock with sandals. Major offenses include: allowing your 15-year-old to get a tattoo, dog fighting, and being an idiot (subject to my interpretation).

5. Text messaging and the word “bling” will be outlawed. Violators will be torn limb from limb by a pack of hungry Yorkshire terriers.

4. You must complete and pass a written examination along with a fitness test, background check, and financial analysis before being allowed to procreate.

3. The final Harry Potter movies will be released all at the same time…. right now.

2. All police officers and military personnel will be under my command. They all have to have at least two years of ballet, tap, or jazz lessons to be promoted. Because I said so, that’s why.

1. Everyone but me will drive a compact car. I will drive an old military Hummer. This way, I can just run you over if you get in the way. Also, it will have rocket launchers on it - just in case you cut me off.

Dissenters will not be tolerated. Friendship bracelets will be given to those of extreme importance, such as:
Colby, Minister of Cats and Other Animals
The Grit, Talent Show Judge Extraordinaire
Dorkys, Teller of Tales
Kweenmama, Grand Poo-bah of Children
And the ladies of Police Wives Online shall be my Grand Council of Cookie Baking and Wine Consumption.

Note to Self: And all shall bow down to me! MUAHAHAHAHA!

10 comments:

VE said...

You finish one, you get tagged with another! Yeah...from me. I don't know what's going on either...

ps - I could live with all these rules...but I don't bake cookies.

Samsmama said...

Seriously! The new Facebook sucks!!

Dorkys Ramos said...

I give an OMG YES to #'s 8, 4 and 3 (especially #3, seriously when will they come out?!). And I give a HELL NO to # 10 (I can't stand heels even though I'm 4'9") and # 5. There are just some voices I do not want to hear and it's easier to let the convo drop or just ignore when texting. (Wow, I sound heartless. Oh well.)

And is it bad that I think yorkies are soooo cute?

kweenmama said...

Thanks for the friendship bracelet. I will treasure it forever! :-)

Um, about the texting...would parents be allowed to text their kids? I do that quite often, it has come in quite handy.

Maki said...

Damn, Would I ever pass those tests??? I have no problem driving a compact car for you though, your highness;)

the Grit said...

Hi MJ,

I could probably live with this, except for #10 - where in you display a complete lack of understanding of farming appropriate shoes, and #1 - where you fail to understand that no one comes between me and my full sized pickup truck. If you can moderate your stance on these points, you've got my vote. I'd also mention that I'm available to fill any of several positions in your cabinet if needed.

the Grit

colbymarshall said...

I love the HP movie idea. MJ for supremem ruler! (except the texting thing...'cause I'd be dead. Is there a grandfather clause?)

originalrager said...

oh, I so agree on so many points, but yeah, no heals for me! lol

Have you seen the new show Kings?

Your rules reminded me of that.

MJ said...

VE - Well, then a Coach bag is sufficient.

Samsmama - :) Thanks for stopping by!

DR - OK, well kitten heels will suffice. And I have a Yorkie, so I think they are very cute.

KM and CM - I suppose I could possibly grandfather in the texting rule. But correct grammar and spelling would have to be used.

Maki - :D

Grit - Well, I suppose I could make a small exception. But I would need a bribe every few months of Reeses cups and you would have to use your large truck to pull the royal pony trailer.

OR - Haven't seen it, but it sounds like my kind of thing...

Sarah Jane said...

Count me in...