Thursday, August 28, 2008

Note to Idiots

It's that time again! *applause*
This one's a little long, but getting it all out will make me feel better.
So bear with me, and try to excuse the language.

To: The cop's deputy roommate
Cc: My cop and the accountant roommate

Subject: Behavior unbecoming of an officer

Not only are you supposed to be one of my cop's best friends, but you used to be one of mine too. Ever since you started dating her, however, you have become a complete douchebag. (There's a link to the definition in case you have been too far up her ass these last few years to know what that means.) You won't hang out with us anymore, and you will barely speak to us when you do see us.

You have become a recluse in your own retarded, little world of "Self". You and your lovely girlfriend are the only inhabitants. Screw everyone else, apparently. You wouldn't even bother to come to the hospital when my cop got hurt. In fact, I heard you were at home playing his Xbox, you dick. You could have at least made a phone call.

When I asked you to please wash my cop's dog when he was just out of the hospital, you shirked off any responsibility to help. I'm sure it would have impeded on some five minutes of "you and her" time that was so much more important than helping your immobilized friend. You must have known that I was about to throw my hands around your throat and strangle you to death, because you made a quick exit.

That was the last straw. You have pissed me off to no end.

I have lost count of the number of times I have cleaned up after your nasty ass. I have lost count of the number of times I have walked your dog so that he could socialize with actual people. I have lost count of the number of times that my cop has washed, fed, and taken care of your dog. You see your dog maybe once a week - you're always staying at her house, and because your Boston is not the cute little pup he once was (Surprise! Dogs grow up!), she doesn't want him at her house. (But all I hear is: WAHHHHHHH!!! I WANT MY WAY!! WAHHH!!) Boo-frickin-hoo. He's your dog, and he's your responsibility. GROW UP.

Since everything on this effing planet is supposed to be about her, you have neglected your dog to the point of abuse. There have been times we have had to buy him food because you let him run out without even noticing. There have been times we had to give him a flea bath because he was completely covered in sores from where he was chewing on himself. We even had to drive across town to let him in out of the rain the other day because you neglected to, you selfish asshole.

Do you realize you are basically paying high-end kennel's fees? Whatever, as long the rent gets paid, I don't give a crap where you stay. It's just as well that you stay away now, because if I hear that you hit your dog one more time for something as retarded as being too hyper (Surprise! He's a terrier!), I will beat the ever-loving crap out of you with the butt of my own pistol, take your dog, and give him to someone who will love him for the sweetheart he is. You will be lucky if I don't kill you in the process.

Your parents are so loving and kind, and your sister is the nicest person that I know. I'm sure they'd be so proud of you the way you are now. When you graduated from mandate school, my cop and I both took the day off of work to come and root for you. I even cried, I was so proud of you. You have become such an egotistical prick since then - getting a badge and a gun doesn't mean you deserve to wear that uniform. That uniform means pride, honor, and respect - three things that you don't show an inkling of, you coward.

I sure as hell hope you don't ever need help from me in the future. You're lucky that my cop is so much nicer than I am. I wouldn't spit on you to put a fire out.

To your bright future together (and very alone),


Note to Self:
Whew. Feeling a little better. Now, should I use a knife to attached it to his door? Or maybe nail-gun it to his patrol car?

PS. For adoption: Three-year-old, lovely Brindle-coated Boston Terrier, male, with papers (CKC - although they aren't filed because the current owner was too lazy to fill them out and send them in and probably doesn't even know where the papers are, but they are in the safe care of my cop), got initial but probably needs updated shots, does well with other dogs, loves people, loves to play, especially loves tennis balls, loves to swim and will even jump in the pool.
Free to a good home.


dougsbike said...

Hate to be the little PC guy here, but technically...

Your handgun is actually considered a revolver, not a pistol.

The term pistol, although in the past could refer to any type handgun, is now reserved for those guns generally requiring a magazine to deliver the bullets into the chamber.

But yes, as portrayed in Goodfellas, revolvers similar to yours used to be very popular for beating people in the face, so it'd be a good choice weapon. I however, prefer to use gas.

Ahh the more you know. I should write books. :)

MJ said...

DB - Duly noted. Thanks, dear. <3

Mahala said...

Aww.. poor pup. I have a half a boston (the other half is beagle.. he ain't purdy, but he's loveable.) I'd take him in a heartbeat, but I'm over run with critters already.

SarahM said...

first of all- what an ass! - dog story on my blog in ten.

second of all, i wish i could take the dog, but i know i would neglect it.. im no good kid, no good.

MJ said...

Mahala - I hear ya! I've got one hyper one of my own, and that's enough.

SM - See you in ten!

teeni said...

People like that guy don't deserve to have pets and since they can't be responsible with a pet, they certainly shouldn't have a firearm. Sheesh.

I'm just thankful the dog has had you and your cop there to care for him. I felt so bad for him when I read this.