Monday, August 25, 2008

New Hallmark Cards

[Note: To give credit where it's due, I want to note that I stole this little idea from VE. So thanks, VE, for the hilarious inspiration. And also, some of these were adapted from card rejects from Shoebox.]

As there is an unlimited amount strange people that pass in and out of my life, I only wish that there had been an appropriate card for the occasion. So, these are my ideas for people who are (or were) in my life.

Break-up cards
Outside: I know you love your mom, and that's a good thing...
Inside: ...because she's the only woman in your life now.

Outside: You know, a nice car says a lot of things about a person.
Inside: It literally shouts INADEQUACY.

Outside: You know, I really love you.
Inside: But I just hate football that much. Sorry.

Outside: I know you couldn't possibly love me any more than you already do.
Inside: Probably because you are so wrapped up in yourself.

Outside: Honey, I wanted to surprise you on our anniversary.
Inside: Surprise! I'm leaving you!

Engagment
Outside: To my friend on your engagement,
Inside: I'm so happy to hear you finally found someone who surpasses the low qualities you've come to expect in men.

Outside: That is a beautiful ring.
Inside: You sure do brag about it a lot. Hope you don't "lose" it.

Outside: Do I hear wedding bells?
Inside: Or maybe that's a tornado siren. Either way, I'm hiding in the closet until it's over.

Outside: Marriage is a lasting, unbreakable bond.
Inside: At least for one-third of the population anyway.

Birthday
Outside: Some friends are great at crafts. Some friends are great at athletics.
Inside: But you're just great! Even without any discernible skills...

Outside: For your birthday, I brought cake and ice cream!
Inside: And your Weight Watchers points book! What kind of friend would I be if I let you fall off the wagon now?

Outside: Happy birthday from both of us.
Inside: Here's to hoping my perfect relationship doesn't bring you down on your birthday.

Outside: Happy birthday from the perfect pair.
Inside: Oh, and from my boyfriend too. (They really are great, aren't they?)

Outside: Go crazy on your birthday!
Inside: I mean that metaphorically of course. Please make sure you take your meds.

Pregnancy
Outside: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy!
Inside: Yes, a pooping, screaming, vomiting, peeing, screaming-some-more bundle of joy.

Outside: Babies, the perfect addition to a loving relationship.
Inside: Oh, did I say "addition?" I meant "ending."

Outside: A baby - the coming together of two people in love.
Inside: Or two people who were really drunk. Either way...

Outside: I always knew you'd make a great mom.
Inside: Or evil step-mother. You'd probably be really good at that.

Outside: Congratulations on your newest addition.
Inside: Try to give him a few years before you bombard him with your unreachable expectations.

Love
Outside: Have I told you lately how much I love you?
Inside: Okay, but without a shot of vodka?

Outside: Our love is so complicated.
Inside: I'll try to buy more with hooks in the front.

Outside: You still have what it takes to make me happy.
Inside: I love projects.

Outside: I love you so much.
Inside: I mean, almost as much as my dog. You get extra points for being potty-trained.

Outside: True love is like a ghost.
Inside: A lot of people talk about it, but few have really seen it. And it obviously scares the crap out of you on occasion.

Note to Self: What would your card say?

15 comments:

colbymarshall said...

It scares me that I can discern whom a few of these are geared toward, lol.

Um, I'm not sure what my card would be, but you can bet it'd be a mother's day card, and not for my own mother...

MJ said...

CM - :)
It should be something along the lines of "Go back to where you came from.(I mean hell, by the way.)" LOL.

thevinylvillage said...

LOL! These are great.

livininsanity said...

Politics
Outside: White Guys Are Old!
Inside: But McCain's the Oldest!

MJ said...

VV - Thanks :D

Livin -
Outside: Change.
Inside: Sure he can spell it, but does he know what it means?

teeni said...

These are a riot. I'm Stumbling this post. Hope ya don't mind. ;)

~alison said...

Hilarious. I love your sense of humor!

livininsanity said...

OUTSIDE: MJ
INSIDE: Has gone too far.
BACK: And is not funny.

pure evyl said...

Great job. It's like a snarkier version of Mr. Deeds.

I did a post about greeting cards for prison inmates one time. I'll have to dig it up.

MJ said...

Teeni - Don't mind at all. I'm all for a spike in my web traffic :D

Alison - Thanks!

Livin - :p

PE - Definitely bring that one up. If you think about it, come back and stick the url here in the comments.

K Trainor said...

"Outside: Happy birthday from the perfect pair.
Inside: Oh, and from my boyfriend too. (They really are great, aren't they?"

hahahahahaha! Love the hooks in the front one, too. Too funny!

MJ said...

K - :D

SarahM said...

im slow this morning. the hooks in the front one took me a while.

but i love projects. HA!

VE said...

Ha ha ha. Great ones. Thanks for the shout out too. Sorry I didn't catch this earlier...you need to comment more so you'll move up on my blog roll; it takes me so long to get down my list...

Outside: You're hard to buy for
Inside: So I didn't. Happy B-day

MJ said...

VE - Good one! I'll do my best to comment more, but you make it hard to think of anything funny that you haven't already said!