Being Presidential

Since it's President's Day and we have a looming Presidential election (read: catastrophe) on our hands, I thought I would outline the top 10 characteristics that all US Presidents should have:

10. They should have gotten into a fight at some point in their life and won. This doesn't mean they are the bully on the playground going about picking fights- they should be the underdog or the hero. This shows that they have hoo-has and don't back down from provocation.

9. They should have a cool name that we can call them by. This can be either the first or middle name. This isn't so much a requirement as it is a threat. If you don't have a cool name we will resort to nick-naming you. Which is worse: calling Theodore Roosevelt "Teddy" or calling George Bush, well, "Bush?"

8. They shouldn't be over the age of 65. No offense to old people, but I don't need the fear of you keeling over in the Oval Office added to my other fears. I generally vote for the best President, not the best Veep.

7. The Secret Service should like working for them. If they can't be nice to the guys who are willing to take a bullet for them, why should I think they will do what's in my best interest? Ahem, Hillary.

6. They should have a really cool White House pet. For example, it is known that both Theodore Roosevelt and Calvin Coolidge owned lions and bears, among other animals. That kicks the crap out of the ever-popular First Dog. "Oh, I'm sorry. Did he just pee on your leg?" I mean, who's going to mess with a world leader who has a man-eating lion on his property? "Oh, I'm sorry. Did he just eat your leg?" Exactly.

5. They should know how to talk without cue cards. Really, you just look dumb if you can't go on because your teleprompter goes out.

4. They should strike fear into the heart of other nations. Respectful fear, but fear nonetheless. American is tired of being laughed at.

3. They should care about Black people (thanks, Kanye!). No, but seriously, they should know that they are dealing with a culture that plays on racism and sexism to get what it wants. Everything the President does can be skewed to be racist. They should be prepared to defend themselves (in speech and action). Running and hiding will not be tolerated. And neither will butt-kissing.

2. They should not compromise with terrorists, terrorist nations, or wussy, surrendering nations (ie. France).

1. They should have great hair. That's it, really. That's the goal. I'm tired of looking at horrible hair. I have to stare at it for 4-8 years. Make it worth my while.

So there you have it. If you can fulfill those top 10 characteristics (plus have the same values and ideals that I do), I will be happy to vote for you. For some good examples of great Presidents, take a look at this list on cracked.com of the 5 Most Badass Presidents of All Time.

Note to Self: Be nice to secret service agents. They might decide to dodge the bullet instead.