Friday, March 13, 2009

Note to Idiots

Dear people with too much time on their hands,

Back in the day, you were the same people who used to forward me useless emails, urging me to forward them on to yet another unsuspecting victim. You guilted me by assuming I don't love Jesus or don't care about some pygmy tribe in Africa or some girl with butt cancer if I didn't forward your meaningless drivel on. Or you tempted me by saying some great miracle of miracles will happen or my greatest wish will come true or I will get a letter in the mail tomorrow with a billion dollar check in it. Or you scared me with threats of retardedness or death of a loved one or that I will be diagnosed with toe falling-off-itis or that I will get an anonymous phone call telling me that my shoes are ugly.

Now you are just getting lazy.

You're texting me with animated crap or tagging me in facebook notes, just expecting me to tag people and pass these on without so much as a promise for world peace. After all those years of not getting a check or my fondest wish (to rule the world), I have given up. Luckily, no one has called me to tell me that my goldfish died in some logging truck freak accident, and $3 hasn't mysteriously gone missing from my bank account. But I have salvaged about thirty minutes of my life so far, and hope to save even more in the future by ignoring you.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate what you have taught me so far - that dolphins are the only other animal that have sex for fun, that my stripper name is Delicious Chocolate Chunk (Favorite Perfume/Cologne, Favorite Ice Cream), and that Microsoft is trying to kill me through my computer screen - but I just think it's time that I move on.

Your supreme overlord (*sigh*),

Note to Self: Pass this on to 37 people in the next 37 minutes, or I will personally come and eat your first born. Or the leftovers in your fridge. Whichever I think will taste better.


the Grit said...

Hi MJ,

If you're going to go with the too much time on their hands theme, you should include theme music:


the Grit

colbymarshall said...

Don't forget that something cool will appear on your screen after you send it to 208 people. That's the best part.

kweenmama said...

My brother's girlfriend and one of my sisters will send me that stuff. It drives me nuts.

And, um, do you really want a stripper name with "chunk" on the end?

K Trainor said...

*Stands and applauds, whistles, stomps feet and bows in the face of greatness.*

Stephanie Faris said...

Ugh. I agree totally. I end up not even opening e-mails from people who send this junk. Most of the time all they would have had to do was go to and they would have known what they're sending is false.

Crystal said...

I won't pass this along as I have some leftovers in the fridge that really should be eaten anyway ;) Yummmmm!

originalrager said...

Brava! You nailed it! These ppl need to be stopped! There should ne a stupid tax and ppl should have to pay a fee every time they do something stupid like forward a forward without removing all those >>>>> and without checking snopes, etc.

I have an aunt who sends all those things. I have to lay into her every time I miss a family event because she sends the invite thru email. I told her she needs to put something in the subject line that says something to the effect "this is a real email and not another stupid forwarded forward" so I'll know which ones to not delete!

Kimberly A. said...

Haahhahahahaha! I love your humor! You are the Supreme Overlord!

MJ said...

Grit - Very nice.

CM - Oh yeeeaaah.

KM - It was either that or Delicious Rocky Road, which I thought was a bit excessive...

KT - *bows deeply* You love me! You really love me!

SF - Yeah. Sometimes I get in a mood and I hit reply all with the link.

Crystal - Hmmm. I'll send someone to take care of that for you...

OR - I know. I hate it when they send me tons of stuff, and then when they finally send me something important, I end up ignoring it. It's like The Boy Who Cried Forwarded Email or something. And I hate all those stupid >>>>>!!!!

KA - Why thank you. I promise to be a kind and just overlord. I will only slaughter you if you don't do what I ask. I think that's pretty reasonable.