Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Wedding Traditions

Before all this engagement mess, I never really delved into the world of wedding tradition. It's amazing the kinds of crazy things that have become wedding tradition over the years.

I, however, think that there are some things that should be tradition but aren't...

So I give you...

The Top 10 Wedding Traditions That Should Exist

10. Instead of throwing rice or confetti at the bride and groom, family and friends should throw money... well they should! But not coins... that would hurt.

9. To get to better know the family that has just been legally shoved together, there should be a giant game of truth or dare played at the reception. What better way to get to know Grandma than to find out she can stick her whole fist in her mouth!

8. Instead of writing love notes to each other on their wedding day, the bride and groom should write down all the things they hate about each other. That way, everything is out in the open in the beginning, and if you're having second thoughts, you have an entire list of reasons for breaking it off right there!

7. The father of the bride, when giving his daughter away, should remind the groom "take a good, long look son. She will never make herself look this pretty for you EVER again."

6. Two words: Mother-in-law slapfight... (wait, is that four words?)

5. "Do you promise to deal with all her bitchy whining and complaining?" should be added to his vows. "Do you promise to put up with his farting and loud snoring?" should be added to hers.

4. The bride-to-be should have to wear a fat suit in front of the groom for an entire week before the wedding. She should say nothing to him but "until death do us part" in the most creepy way possible.

3. Before the wedding, the bride-to-be should ceremoniously break the arm of the best man. This would act as a warning as to what would happen to him should the groom show up at the wedding drunk, with bruises, with cuts or scars, with broken limbs, not at all, or any combination of these.

2. During the wedding, the ushers should double as "duct-tape bearers". Should a baby cry during the ceremony and not be removed quickly enough, one of the ushers will take the baby outside to console it while the others duct-tape the parent to the church steeple as a warning to others... Because what kind of cruel person would duct-tape a baby's mouth shut?

and the number one tradition that I think should exist...
1. All ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends should be lined up at the reception, showered with gifts, and profusely thanked by the bride and groom for being so shitty that they didn't settle and eventually found each other.

Note to Self: Yes, I quite like that last one. Perhaps I should make some phone calls.


merc3069 said...

OMG LMAO! Love them all! If only you incorporated just one....

thevinylvillager said...

well YOUR wedding could be the first for these...go on do it! (but invite me..I so wanna see some of these in person)

desireemariecampos said...

OMG lol sooo freakin true!!! This is great and you should totally impliment them at your wedding!

Maki said...

Why didn't I think of these for my wedding!!!! Well, good luck on planning your wedding, MJ - It'll come so faster than you think and remember to include all these list to your celebration! LOL

~alison said...

HILARIOUS! {I am singing that by the way!} I think these are the BEST top 10 and please keep us up to date with what transpires when you do these things at YOUR wedding!! : )

Matt said...

HAHA, I like the last one.

I would have a pretty long line.

teeni said...

These are awesome. Stumbling.

colbymarshall said...

I'm ready to witness me some duct taping...heehee

the Grit said...

Hi MJ,

I would add that the bride, and possibly the groom, should be required to take Prozac for at least three months before the wedding. I base this on the fact that such drugs take a good deal of time to become effective, and on my personal wedding experience.

That would be when my bride, in preparation for the general party we - meaning she - had decided to substitute for the rehearsal dinner seeing as how we had such a small wedding party, went into some sort of mental blow out fit because the ham her father purchased as part of the finger food was sliced too thick. Thus, a day before the wedding and just a few hours before the party, my darling was screaming, "that ham is too thick! I can't serve that to our guests! The wedding is off! All of you go to hell!" Shortly after this she locked herself in the bathroom for three hours, during which time she repeatedly screamed out the back window as to how horrible life, the universe, her parents and her future husband were. This was interspersed with some other yelling which was not really intelligible, that I still suspect was some misguided attempt at Primal Scream Therapy.

I, as you should expect by now, took the opportunity presented by the distraction to raid the liquor supply stockpiled for the big gala. Each to their own I've always said, but I do think that my darling could have benefited from some ritualized "better living through chemistry" during that point our lives.

the Grit

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

This is a fantastic and funny list!

MJ said...

merc - Yeah, I would probably push for the throwing money one. The cop and I are planning on Vegas for the honeymoon.

VV - Yeah, I don't think I'm that brave.

DMC - I definitely think I'll be doing the breaking the best man's arm thing. I've already had a talk with him lol.

Maki - I've been told the time flies by. I can only hope so! It's going by at snail's pace right now!

Alison - No worries. I will keep you updated. I will probably end up starting a new blog for it though and linking.

Matt - Both of ours would be pretty lengthy as well. But it would be fun.

Teeni - Thanks Teeni!

CM - No kidding. It seems like things like weddings and graduations, times when there is extended intentional silence, are simply magnets for babies and coughing people. Ugh.

Grit - WHEW! I hope I won't be that crazy. I have one wedding experienced bridesmaid and I also have a planner, so hopefully no freaking out will be involved. Although I will probably try to be drunk for some of the time leading up to the wedding lol.

NGIP - Thank you!

KarenElizabeth said...

I thoroughly enjoyed your list, especially the last one. Best of luck with all your planning!

kweenmama said...

Someone needs to contact David Letterman, this list is great! :-)

none of your business said...

ROFL!!! Love it!!

Rafael said...

Don't break the arm of the best man, that would screw up his job. And what is his job, you ask? (Glad you did!) His job is to tackle the groom in case he bolts for it, before the brothers of the bride string him up and use him as a piƱata!

Rafael said...

Oh and one more thing. If Bride and Mother-in-Law turn into Frankenbridezilla, the groom gets to say, just once, and with feeling: "SHUT THE F%$! UP!" and then run.

Also, in order to start a good marriage, when asked the groom if he takes this lovely wife, he should sit down, think about it for a minute or two and then say yes (if that is what he really wants).

Also all grooms should wear a sign that reads "Guest of Honor".

DES said...

Excellent list!!!! #6 is precious :D And I wholeheartedly agree with the last..yeppers! I just got married over the summer and by the day of the wedding I put a whole new slant on 'manic'. :) Good luck with your plans and Congrats!

MJ said...

KE - Thanks!

KM - Thanks mama ;)

NOYB - Thanks for stopping by my blog! Come back anytime.

Rafael - Thanks for stopping by my blog, and thanks for all the great advice! I like the "Guest of Honor" idea *chuckle*

DES - I'm hoping, with a year to plan and hiring a wedding planner, I won't be a total basket case by the time the wedding gets here. I'm thinking of trying deep breathing techniques.