Thursday, July 3, 2008

How To Be Patriotic

The July 4th holiday is upon us, so I hope you have stocked up on your fair share of burgers and dogs, beer, and dangerous fireworks.

July 4th is a great family holiday, and - as I'm sure
Mister Manly would agree - is also one of the manliest holidays of the year. Consider all of the grilling, eating, drinking, and general danger from third degree burns that is involved in the day. But the day is not just about all of the eating and drinking and laughing at your friends hair on fire. It's also about showing our unity and patriotism as a nation.

So I wanted to give you some tips for tomorrow on how to show just how patriotic you are...

The Top 10 Ways to Show Your Patriotism on July 4th

(10) First, dress in all red, white, and blue. No other colors should be present. Paint your face in a flag pattern and dye your hair in stripes of red, white, and blue.
Cover your car in patriotic stickers, including: "Support Our Troops," "Terrorists Suck," "These Colors Don't Run," and "If You Don't Like It, Get Out!"
(8) Wear red, white, and blue underwear. Make sure you show it off.
Cover your patriotic ensemble in flag pins.

Make sure to carry around plenty of small flags. Give them to people who aren't carrying one.
(5)Alternately, carry around one LARGE flag. Wave it constantly. In people's faces.
(4) Make sure to buy plenty of sparklers for the evening's festivities. Light them all at once. Give sparklers to all the young children in the neighborhood. Make sure not to tell them that licking it may be dangerous.
(3) During the day, start chants of "USA! USA! USA!" everywhere you go. Or even in an elevator with just one other person. Also, try to start the wave. With that one guy in the elevator.

(2) Stop whenever you see a flag, put your hand over your heart, and sing the National Anthem. LOUD. SCREAM it. You want to make sure everyone can hear. Glare at people who don't stop with you.

and the number one way to show your thankfulness for our national freedom...
Make sure to show other people your extreme and dramatic disgust for their apparent lack of patriotism.

Note to Self: I am already working on my disgusted look right now.


colbymarshall said...

Happy early Fourth- my own little list will be up tomorrow, but I like yours. I have a great idea though-- even though SAMD is over, what if we slap morons in the face WITH AMERICAN FLAGS? Now that's patriotic!!!

MJ said...

CM - I'm thinking we should slap EVERYONE in the face with flags - "Be patriotic dammit!!"

Anonymous said...

Hi MJ,

Tomorrow is definitely a very manly holiday. It's quite possibly the most manly holiday, and will probably stay that way since my proposal to institute National Dueling Day was rejected by the short sighted twits in DC. Of course, it was a lot more manly when I was a child and our parents would give us bags of firecrackers, cherry bombs and M-80s to amuse ourselves with. You can't buy the last two now, which makes me glad that, as a farmer, I can buy dynamite.

Mister Manly

MJ said...

MM - A lot of the manliness of our childhoods is gone. Children now don't play outside, and when they do, their mothers make them where knee and elbow pads for everything.

*Pfft* Even as a woman, I am still proud of my childhood scars from the lack of a bike helmet.

Anonymous said...

Wait, you said number one before beginning the top ten AND you forget to put in the top ten... "beer, and dangerous fireworks."

MJ said...

livin - Well, I figured it was pretty much a given that drinking as much beer as possible while eating hamburgers and hotdogs was the ultimate in US patriotism. I didn't think it needed a place on the list.