Parental Examination

So, I've often thought about the fact that there should be some kind of an exam before people can become parents. This thought was sparked again today by a post over at UglyAssOpinion.

So what would a parental exam look like?

Well here's my version:

Parenthood Exam

Multiple Choice: Please circle the one best answer.

1. During pregnancy, it is okay to:
a. have a shot of vodka every Friday night
b. sit in smoke-filled rooms for long periods of time
c. smoke crack on occasion
d. read aloud to your belly and play classical music

2. If your newborn baby is sick, you should:
a. shake them
b. leave them alone until they’re better
c. not feed them anymore
d. take them to a doctor

3. When running errands with your toddler, it is okay to:
a. leave them in the car, windows up, doors locked
b. leave them in the car with the car still running
c. let a friendly stranger watch them for you
d. take them inside with you

4. When your child refuses to eat what you give them, you should:
a. beat them within an inch of their life
b. force feed them until they choke
c. call the police
d. send them to bed without dinner

5. When your teenager wants to go to a party, you should:
a. give them plenty of beer and condoms to take with them
b. be the only cool parent and don’t give them a curfew
c. let them know where they can pick up some weed first
d. ask for details and make sure you know adults will be there

Fill in the Blank: Please fill in the blank with the most appropriate word or words.

1. Diapers should be changed when _______________.
2. If I were to lose my child at the store, theme park, mall, etc., I would ________________.
3. The police should only be contacted when my child is ________________.
4. Cursing in front of a young child is _______________.
5. “You should only have sex when _______________.”

Short Answer: Please write the best answer to the following questions in two to three complete sentences.

1. Your newborn baby is crying hysterically and smells badly. What is wrong with him or her? And what should you do about it?

2. Your toddler regularly throws tantrums to get candy. Do you always give them the candy? What are the effects of this decision?

3. Your pre-teen refuses to study, because he or she believes that they will become a soccer star one day and doesn’t need school. What should you do?

4. You catch your teenager smoking pot. How should you react? (Hint: “Smoke with them” is not the correct answer.)

5. You find out that your college-aged child has dropped out or is failing all of his or her classes and does nothing but party. When do you stop sending them money?

Field Exam: Please do each of the following and have someone record your general reactions.

1. Smear peanut butter on 60% of the surface of a brand new couch. Go outside, stick your hands in a freshly watered flower bed, and then spread the dirt all over the walls. Place an Oreo cookie on your carpeted floor, and then step on it as hard as you can to rub it in as much as possible.

2. Go buy a bucket of 500 small Lego’s building blocks. Have a friend pour the blocks all over the floor of a small hallway. Allow your friend to blindfold you, and then walk through the hallway barefoot.

3. Place a frozen fish stick under the living room side table. Leave it there for a whole year.

4. Using a small hammer or mallet, repeatedly bang it into your forehead, toes, elbows, and fingers. Have a friend kick you as hard as possible in the knees. Try not to scream, cry, or use profanity throughout the process.

5. Fill a bag with 10 pounds of sand. At 8p.m., pick it up and carry it around. Hum to it until 9p.m. and put it down. Set your alarm for 1a.m. at which time you will pick up the bag of sand and begin to rock it and sing every song you have ever known. Continue to make up songs until 4a.m. Set your alarm for 5a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Do this for at least three years. Look cheerful.

Note to Self: Something tells me that ColbyMarshall will be okay with some of the more unorthodox child-raising tactics - them being mind readers and all.

*As a side note, I am not a parent, but most of these questions are based on experiences brought to me either by my police officer boyfriend or my roommate who works for DFaCS.