Starting Over

That's what I've done in every aspect of my life in the past year: new job, new friends, new city, new house, new life altogether. It's really taken a toll on me and my husband mentally, physically, and spiritually.

Starting over. Those words sound like a good idea most of the time, especially when you pair them with some other over-used phrases. Clean slate. Fresh start. Sounds so exciting and liberating, doesn't it?

No one ever tells you that trying to find a new hairdresser is so terrifying that you will practically have an anxiety attack every time this stranger runs a comb through your hair. I had been going to the same amazing woman for twenty years. She knew about every boyfriend I ever had, sent me to prom with the prettiest hair ever, and labored over me and all my bridesmaids on the day of my wedding. How can someone possibly fill those shoes? And don't even get me started on the horror of trying to find a new gynecologist. The thought of someone new poking and prodding my hoo-hah makes me nauseous.

Finding friends is even harder. It's like a strange interview process, where you have to balance being yourself and pretending to like things you really don't to get people to accept you. You will find yourself making goodies to win people over - obsessing over making the perfect frosting for your cupcakes. It matters, dammit. You have to be really careful too. Your mom always warned you about falling into the wrong crowd, and that still applies when you're an adult. Adult friends can be worse than middle-schoolers! You have your drama queens, attention-seekers, misery-loves-company types, annoying people, and just straight weirdos. Not to mention you will severely miss your old friends, who you will make every effort to see, but they will be just as busy as you.

There are some good things about living in a new place. No one knows us here yet, so it's really convenient to not find it necessary to put on makeup (or decent clothes really) to run errands. It's not like we have to worry about running into someone important. Plus, all that mass production of sweets has perfected my talent for baking. I can now make an amazing cheesecake and practically bake and frost cupcakes in my sleep. Moving means you get to purge old stuff and decorate a brand new place. It's also a good excuse to try out lots of new restaurants. Of course, that also means starting a new workout routine.

Starting over. It's been the most stressful thing I've ever done. But it's also been fun and exciting, especially since I have an amazing best friend to do it with. Also, I think, what an interesting excuse to start writing again.

Note to Self: Do not take recommendations for restaurants from thin people.

Why Retail Rules

So as many of you already know, I work in retail. I was promoted this past year to an Assistant Manager position in a kid's retail store. What many of you also know is that I have an MBA that may or may not be going to waste (my vote is "not"). What you may not know about is the general attitude the public has toward retail workers in general.

This is that: 1 - since we work in retail, obviously we could not hack it in the "real world" and had to settle for such a lowly job; 2 - that we must be uneducated since, yet again, this is the only job we could get; and 3 - we must be on an intellectual level somewhere between a country hillbilly with two first names and a wide-eyed, blonde college freshman whose biggest dilemma is which frat party to attend first. And yes, therefore, this was the only job that didn't involve too much "brain thinkun" or the use of heavy machinery that we could fall into.

Yeah, that definitely describes me.

Me. One first name. 3 diplomas with honors notations. Blonde by choice. Can insult you and you won't realize it for a few days. My whole being reeks of awesomeness. I work in retail. And there are many others like me.

I have had peers from school, old friends, distant family, and even professors from college who run into me and ask what I'm doing now. When I mention retail they immediately avoid eye contact, as if to ease the shame I should be going through for having to mention such a tragic turn in my life. Then when I tell them I have been doing it for several years by choice, I almost always get the same reaction - "Don't you have a master's degree?" they ask, with a look of incredulity. "Why, yes!" I retort, excitedly. "My diploma makes lovely wall art! I mean it did cost me $20 thousand dollars, and I am hoping to pay off the loan for it just before my kids go to college!"

This is the part where they stare at me in shock with a look of constipation consternation. When they finally realize I will not avert my eyes in shame, they give up and slink away to find some other kid's dreams to crap on. (See how I did that? Two poop jokes in one paragraph! My degree did pay off!)

So here, dear blog friends, I will educate you on why a retail job (or at least my job) is awesome. I give you...

The Tops 10 Reasons Why Retail Rules:
(10) It is probably one of the most thankless jobs on the planet. But unlike policing or gator wrangling, you can make plenty of money at it to make up for all the lack of thanks. Because despite what you may think, I would much rather be handed a check than be thrown a parade.
(9) It is one of the best first jobs anyone can have. Bring me your teenagers, and I will teach them what it's like to have to clean up after other people. They will also gain confidence, sense of self, and the patience to deal with stupid people.
(8) Who doesn't like a ridiculously awesome discount? I get clothes for practically free. Suck on that, white collar job. I don't pay $200 for my work clothes. And speaking of clothes...
(7) Who doesn't like to wear comfortable clothes to work? No awful uniforms. No ties, skirts, pantyhose, blazers, or high heels. Jeans, a t-shirt, and flip flops will suffice. Am I going to work or is it my day off? Who knows! Sometimes even I can't tell!
(6) You become a freaking pro at folding clothes. Seriously. In twenty minutes, I can have over 600 units looking neat and pretty in 42 different stacks. The only downside is that at home you will want to hang every piece of clothing you own to avoid folding laundry.
(5) The schedule can be amazing. Sure, nobody likes to work on the weekends when all your friends are off work, but having a random Tuesday off has got to be the best invention ever. No annoying kids at the movies, no obnoxious teens at the mall, and no lines at the grocery store.
(4) You know the tricks of the trade. Like: who honors expired or missing coupons (or coupons that just plain don't exist in this dimension), who has the best sales going on, and which cookie place is going to finagle me a free cookie if I mention where I work and am really sweet and nice to them.
(3) Retail is like a giant brotherhood. Working in retail can find you in the presence of some of the best friends and colleagues you will ever have. Kind of like being in the Army and serving together - if the enemy were the customer and you were fighting for control of the t-shirt table (later to be dubbed Mount Graphic Tee as it begins looking like a giant pile of clothes). And if you're really nice to your retail neighbors, they will even spot you some paper towels if yours mysteriously go missing.
(2) You get the altruistic satisfaction of knowing that you are selling someone something they probably really do need. And if you do a good job, you get the pride of knowing they will continue to come back to you (even if sometimes you wish they wouldn't).

And the #1 reason retail rules?
(1) Headsets. We use them to ask the person hiding in the stockroom if we have that shirt in that size you need. We also use them to talk to each other about that ugly-ass dress you're wearing.

"Have a nice day, come back and see us!"

Note to Self: We also use our headsets to warn each other of shoplifters, do price checks, and discuss how we would beat the crap out of your screaming kid if he were ours.

Independence Day

Have you missed my Top 10 Lists?
Well, here is my Top 10 List for what the Fourth of July means to me:

(10) Many women wearing star-spangled bikinis, the majority of which should not wear bikinis to begin with.
(9) A ridiculous amount of red, white, and blue images and paraphernalia. See example above.
(8) Children all over America complaining about the burnt state of their hot dog, while their mother replies "You better eat it, there are starving children in China." Then let them eat it mom, sheesh.
(7) Beer. Lots of beer.
(6) The use of the hashtag #suckitalqaeda on my Twitter feed.
(5) Some guy somewhere coming this close to blowing off a finger or two due to fireworks.
(4) More beer and a missing appendage.
(3) Facebook statuses and mass texts designed to make sure you in fact know that it's the Fourth of July and to remind you of why you should be grateful today... because of numbers 1-7, of course.
(2) More prayers going up for our armed forces. And more prayers for our police officers because of the general stupidity they will encounter on this day due to number 4.

And the number one thing the Fourth means to me is....
(1) The sacrifice of many lives so that I can write this blog however I damn well please, and so I don't have to wear a burqa when it's freaking 100 degrees with 500% humidity...

Happy Fourth bloggers!
Note to Self: Now on to the grilling, minus the charred black part.

Slap-A-Moron Day Instructions

Here is a handy-dandy guide to tell if someone deserves to be slapped.

Instructions: To score for your slapee, simply circle the moronic infringements and add up their total Moronic Value (MV). It is recommended that you add up your total MV before the holiday on July 1st. That way you will have an adequate defense (or not) against someone who slaps you.

People
+8 if you are the President
+7 if you are Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton
+6 if you are Charlie Sheen or Amy Winehouse
+5 if you are some other, equally moronic celebrity

Society
+2 if you have ever bragged about “sticking it to the man”
+1 if you have ever sold your food stamps for cash
+3 if you have a big screen tv, but your child sleeps on the floor
+2 if you own a car that is more expensive than your government housing
+5 if you have ever said the words “they owe me!” in reference to “the man”
+4 if every time you are pregnant, DFaCS calls you to draw up the paperwork

Work
+1 if you have ever uttered the words “that’s not my job”
-1 if you have ever done something to help a coworker that really wasn’t your job
+1 if you play office pranks on the boss, and he/she doesn’t laugh
+2 if you have ever been fired from a job for stealing
+1 if you constantly complain about your job, but aren’t looking for another one
+2 if you have ever thought partying during the week and then going to work hung-over was a good idea
+4 if you believe you are an expert in your field, but you are paid less than $40,000 a year

Home
+1 if you have ever used a mixer and turned it up too fast so that stuff goes flying everywhere
+2 if you have ever used a blender without the top on
+3 if you don’t wash your sheets at least once a month
+2 if you don’t vacuum at least once a month
-1 if you have actually ever cleaned your windows
+1 if you have ever placed tinfoil in a microwave
+2 if you have ever placed tinfoil in a microwave more than once
-1 if you know how to use a washer, dryer, and dishwasher
+1 if you have ever left the next bathroom user without toilet paper
+1 if you have ever left anything less than one cup worth of milk/juice in the container in the fridge

Driving
+1 if you have ever driven while talking on a cell phone or texting
+2 if you have ever gotten into an accident while on a cell phone
+1 if your car gets less than 10 miles to the gallon
+1 if you have ever been in the fast lane and uttered “I am going fast enough!” regarding the people tailgating you
+1 if you have ever drank and drove
+3 if you knew you were too drunk and drove anyway
-1 if you have offered to drive a friend home when they were drunk
-2 if you have ever fought the keys away from a drunk person so they wouldn’t drive

Kids (Those of you without your own progeny can skip this section)
+1 if you have one (+1 point for each child)
-1 if you discipline your child when they do wrong (-1 point for each child)
+1 if you have ever given in to something your child wanted because they threw a fit
-1 if you have ever given in to something your child wanted because they were good and asked nicely
+3 if you have ever simply allowed your child to scream in a restaurant/church/other public place
-2 if you understand the weight of the threat of “Do you want to go to the bathroom/outside/to the car?”
+1 if you have had to say “Don’t make me turn this car around/stop this car/come back there!”
-1 if you have, in fact, turned the car around/stopped the car/came back there
+3 if you have ever not strapped a child into a car properly
+1 if you think it’s a good idea to allow your 12-year-old to go clubbing
+1 if you think it’s okay to buy your teenager beer because you will be able to “supervise” them
+1 if you have ever allowed being a cool parent outweigh being a good parent

Language
+2 if you have ever actually talked in leet speak (Ex. OMG, WTF, BFF, I has a…)
+2 if you simply don’t know the difference between their, they’re, and there
+1 if you don’t understand the difference between good and well
-1 if you always use good and well correctly
+1 if you have ever claimed to know something when you didn’t
-1 if you can use the words “I have no idea” without always feeling stupid about it
+1 if you use the word “like” in every other sentence
+1 if you say “I heart you” more than “I love you”
+2 if you are white, but consistently use white terms, like “fo shizzle”
+1 if you have ever used the phrase “fixin’ to” instead of “about to”

Pets
+1 if you have a pet (+1 for each pet)
-1 if you at least make a good attempt at training them (-1 for each pet)
+1 if you dress them up
+2 if you dress them with colors or outfits that denote a different gender than what your pet is (such as a male with a pink collar or in a “cute wittle dress”)
+2 if you have their nails painted
-2 if you take them to the vet at least once a year
-1 if they are neutered
+1 if you don’t pick up after your dog
+2 if you have a medium to large dog and still don’t pick up after them
+3 if you encourage your dog to poop in other people’s yards

Body
+2 if you have ever had a tattoo that once had a name on it, but then it had to be covered up later
+2 if you have ever had your thong showing above the top of your pants somewhere other than at home
+1 if you don’t regularly wear your seatbelt
-1 if you are known as the “seatbelt nazi”
+1 if your hair has ever been anything but a natural color (the only exception is if it was for costume use, such as a play or Halloween)
+1 if you don’t at least pretend to put on sunscreen at the beach
+2 if you complain about being overweight while eating something
-2 if you complain about being overweight while exercising
+2 if you have ever worn something revealing in public that you knew you shouldn’t have

Anything less than 20 is in the slap free range. Anything in the 20-40 range is punishable by one slap. Any score above 40 is subject to two slaps.

Note to Self: I do not believe all pet owners or parents are morons simply for having them. I am simply stating that parents or owners who leave their children or pets to their own devices are, in fact, morons. This is why there are the deductions for proper training under each.

Happy Slap-A-Moron Day!

Good morning! And welcome to the 4th annual Slap-A-Moron Day extravaganza!
Some notes for the holiday (beware the twisted use of the word "moron"):

In Preparation
Do make a list of people of people you would like to slap. Make sure to start the list with people you would most like to slap and work your way down. That way you will get to the most important ones in case you run out of time or energy for slapping.
Don’t plan to slap people who may have a huge weight in your future life or financial interest.

Proper Attire
Do wear gloves, slap bracelets, or simply have bare hands.
Don’t wear brass knuckles, armor, boxing gloves, or any other attire that may be harmful to the slapee.

During Slapping
Do slap the face, arms, or other gender neutral zones. It is recommended to give a slap on the hand or wrist for young children.
Don’t slap more than once. The only exceptions are if the person has a rather high level of moronicity – in which case, two slaps can be administered – or if the person avoids the first slap on purpose by running away – this automatically raises their one slap correction to two.

Proper Slapping Technique
Do slap open-handed, palm facing toward slapee. While facing the slapee, use one swift movement of the hand and arm to administer palm-to-face therapy.
Don’t backhand, kick, punch, bite, or use any other technique for removing moron-ness other than the approved open-handed palm therapy as described above. Surprise slap therapy will not be tolerated.

After Administering Slap Therapy
Do tell your “patient” why they were slapped. Encourage them by telling them that the physical pain is for their own good. Remind them that further acts of moronicity will be followed by further therapy.
Don’t slap someone and then run away like a sissy girl without explaining yourself to the slapee.

Note to the Slapee
Do recognize that you have the right to slap the slapper back, if in fact they have exhibiting moronic behavior as well. Recognize that the slapper is doing you a favor by administering this therapy and that it is for your own good.
Don’t simply slap the slapper back. Do not plan revenge on the slapper. Should you feel you were slapped for no reason, explain to the slapper why you feel this way. Should they have no reasonable explanation for why they slapped you, you reserve the right to slap the slapper twice in return – one time for retribution, and one time for them exhibiting moronic behavior for slapping you without proper reason.

Other
Do have first aid available in case of any accidental injuries
Don't slap as hard as you can in order to injure someone.

Do have fun. It only lasts for one day, so make every slap count!
Don’t take any of this seriously.

Make sure to check out the historic beginnings of Slap-A-Moron Day, post your slapping conquests in the comments, and try not to do anything to get slapped!

Happy Slapping!

Note to Self: Keep in mind that you may be a "patient" for someone else, or even for yourself. Should you become aware that you have exhibited moronic behavior, give yourself a swift slap across the face to initiate your own behavioral correction.